Slap! I can’t help it. Ever since Will Smith snuck up at the Oscars to defend the wounded honor of his wife Jada Pinkett, I have the impression that every past and present scuffle of celebrity couples is somehow accompanied by that sound: slap! (or paf!, if you prefer, but still that of a loud slap). On the other hand, the list of famous people who have had some problems in heaven is so full of public jokes and slaps to pride, that what happened to Chris Rock, in comparison, is a gentle exchange of views with a lot of caress from the Pope. this starting from the Pinkett Smith spouses. But let’s go in order, because here it is necessary to understand once and for all that between wife and husband it is definitely better not to put your finger.
Liz Taylor and Richard Burton
Ah, the Hollywood of the heyday. When Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, the pissed-off par excellence, insulted each other and teased each other with posters: is there anything more romantically Hollywood than this? There would be several episodes, but it is now known that the maximum peaks of litigation the two reached them on the set of The Taming of the Shrew, in 1966. Legend has it that it all began when Richard walked into Liz’s dressing room and noticed that his wife had stuck a fake poster of the film, where her name was written bigger than his. Then he had another printed, where her name was not even there by mistake, and she still another, and so on all morning, in a battle of typography and vanity. This went on for the duration of the set: days and days of banter and insults. But no, no more posters.
Anjelica Huston and Jack Nicholson
How long can seventeen years together be? I would say little, if we consider them over a lifetime and if things have gone (all things considered) well; I would swear too much, far too much, if instead he has lost track of the betrayals. Anjelica Huston knows something about it, who with Jack Nicholson’s escapades has filled us pages and pages of her autobiography of her (Watch me: a memoir, of 2014), full of situations and curtains that I can only define horror. Can you imagine your man flirting with the waitress while he is having dinner with you? And what if you catch someone else’s underwear in your home? Yet the record for the most terrifying situation and the most memorable (and violent) riot dates back to 1989, when Jack gets her big enough to get her lover, Rebecca Broussard, pregnant. It is at that point that, with slaps and kicks, Anjelica explodes, and with her their relationship. Of course slap!; here the onomatopoeias are worthy of the account of any Marvel film. Or perhaps, to stay on the subject, that of Shining.
Victoria and David Beckham
Now that I have opened the cheating chapter, I cannot fail to mention the most glamorous and cuckold couple in the whole of the UK. I’m talking about David and Victoria Beckham, obviously. That David was an unfaithful husband is certainly not a guess, as he has confessed it himself on more than one occasion. As for Victoria… well, to be honest, I wouldn’t swear. What I know for sure is that she has forgiven him, so much so that now the Beckhams are still gruel as they were twenty years ago. However, if it is so true that one should not put the finger between wife and husband, it is equally wise to take into account the fact that the wolf loses its fur, but not its vice. And I bet Victoria Beckham must have been buzzing with these words when she saw at the Los Angeles Lakers game that David’s eye fell a little too often on the backside of a very blonde cheerleader. It was 2008, and I know: it’s a thing of the past. But I’m more than sure you remember the sequence of photos, which became a slide of typical moments of the ordinary couple. From the series: how to make a scazzo not only memorable, but also iconic.
Beyoncé and Jay Z
And what will a well-rounded buttock ever be, when the problem is the chick who’s talking to your guy? There the going gets tough, especially if your type is none other than Jay-Z, and you’re none other than Beyoncé. And no less, I would add, if your type – besides being Jay-Z – is also the one who cheated on you with Becky Bellicapelli (aka the “Becky the good hair” cited in Lemonade). So then the 2009 NBA final becomes the perfect time to write in your face that it blows you, and how it blows you, that Nicole Curran (the wife of the owner of the Warriorsnda) you do not shit, while from his little place he almost passes over you to talk to your beloved (that time) unfaithful husband.
Michelle and Barak Obama
It seems that from the stands of a basketball court in Los Angeles to those of a schedule in Soweto, the step is short. It seems, given that the situation that the Obamas found themselves managing during the memorial to Nelson Mandela in 2013 seems to be (the even more) irritating evolution of that of the Carter-Knowles spouses at the NBA final of 2009. With the difference that now you are Michelle Obama, and your type is that “tanned” President of the United States who, two places away, laughs and jokes with Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. And now she looks, she even takes a picture of us, just like a teenager. Wait a minute, did you say “tanned”? Who said that? Where did you hear it? Of course, how to forget. What a sweet memory, and what a sudden suspicion! Couldn’t your husband’s be a kind of revenge for that time there, in which Silvio Berlusconi complimented you so much? Maybe it is, who knows.
Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber
The precursors of the scazzi on social networks can only be them. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber: the child prodigies of the music industry, but also one of the couples with the most on-offs in the entire planet world. But you know, at that time the Jelena were teenagers. As we know that, as good teenagers, they have repeatedly stumbled upon the typical mistakes we all made, especially as kids, especially in the era of Instagram. The “escaped” like (and immediately removed); the follow-unfollow at the slightest shock; the commentuccio rosicone (by Selena) under the photo of the ex (Justin) with the new flame of the time (Sofia Richie). I’m referring to what happened on Justin Bieber’s Instagram profile, in August 2016. And that was the lowest point, and the most memorable one. But ouch, ouch, Selena and Justin. How did I understand you then.
Melania and Donald Trump
I tried to think of a particular event, a scazzo between the scazzi in the public outings of Melania and Donald Trump, but I just couldn’t. The truth is that in this specific case we are at such outsized levels that ascribing them to a single event is almost impossible. What can be done, however, is to observe with the rigor of science how the human body acts when it is hit by an advanced stage. That is: part of the body begins to personify the scazzo itself, acting almost without the actor realizing it. Just by way of example, that August 2020 comes back to my memory, and those photos while the Trump spouses got off Air Force One. Do you see Melania’s hand? Do you see how she, every single time, escapes any contact with that of her husband? Isn’t this the proof of the proofs?
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are no longer kids, but their interfacing via social media is worse than the Jelena experience. From them you can draw a myriad of scazzi: from him who accuses of not having been invited to her daughter’s birthday party, to her who says she is “shocked by her antics”. Now that I’m in the process of divorce, the latest amazing episode that comes to us from Kanye (or rather, from Ye), with a post last February on Instagram – now deleted -, is that Kim accused him of stealing – during a visit to the daughters – the series of Akira (the Japanese manga by Katsuhiro Otomo, to which Kanye is particularly attached). At this point, where you can breathe a level of scazzo bordering on the pathological, the only thing I can say is just: “Ah”.
Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly
If Melania Trump appears 100% of the time decidedly shaved, it is with Megan Fox on the red carpet of the Daily Front Row’s Fashion Award a few days ago in Los Angeles, that the plane of the scazzo returns to reach peaks that can be reached by most. By dodging the kiss, or perhaps disgusting, on the whole, boyfriend Machine Gun Kelly, lovebird Megan has hinted that there are problems in heaven. If only for his outfit, I must say, I would understand it.
Jada Pinkett and Will Smith
Turn and turn, you go back to the starting point, to prove once and for all that there are far worse blows – and far more violent slaps – than what happened to Chris Rock. Like those, many, from Jada Pinkett to Will Smith. Slap!: gets angry with their son’s friend. Slap!: he says it in transmission (help). Slap!: Will who doesn’t want to be featured on a live Instagram, but Jada does it anyway. It’s still Slap!And Slap!And Slap!And Slap!. Until he does Slap!. But not her. A Jada no. Never in Jada.